Sometimes — whether it be from big changes, or some sort of outside influence, stressor or oppression, or something else entirely — we find ourselves looking for a piece of our essence we somehow lost, or that hasn’t yet found its wings.
I think it can often be found somewhere within the risk of following our heart, giving ourselves permission, and conjuring the courage to peek down the rabbit hole.
Peer into the exciting unknown.
Take the first step.
And then the next.
Possibly tumble. (Probably tumble)
Pick ourselves up, and keep going...
For me, (well, this time anyway) that was both moving to Hawai’i, and deciding to go back home.
I didn’t think I’d be going home, but here we are. And while, yes, it’s bittersweet, this truly feels like the right move for me.
This island taught me a lot. I know I came here to learn what I did, and I’m so grateful I was able to do this. I mean, seriously, people like me don’t often get to ship their accesible van to the furthest land mass from anyway else in the world, on the largest volcano in the world, and drive around, just livin’.
I’m so grateful I took the chance. This was a stepping stone back to me, no doubt, an improvisational dance of discovery. And there were a lot of moving parts, unexpected turns, obstacles, blessings, and key players.
Sure, I spent a lot of money to get here, and LOST a lot of money to the system — i.e. the challenges and bullshit of navigating Medicaid and disability assistance programs, but that’s life. Or rather, that’s disability life. That’s marginalized life. Where you can’t hide from the flaws in the system, or rather the realization that the system wasn’t designed for you or any REAL human being. This all only becomes real when you need the system to actually work for you in order to survive.
But the bottom line is, I did it, despite the failings of “The Man”, and through collective care and self love on a radical level.
I lived out a dream that I’ve been holding onto since the year before I was injured.
I had stuffed it away, along with a lot of other things after I became disabled, until I was finally ready to unearth it. Until I had done the work to dust it off, open it up, and release it into the universe so it could become real.
This whole trip became proof of what happens when we release our truth. When we are able to do the complicated, dynamic, multi-dimensional healing we need to do, in order to follow our hearts and let go of fear.
My disability took a lot from me. Let’s be real, it’s a big fucking shift to endure, and when you shift, inevitably things leave and things change and new things arrive.
Through the years I’ve been taking my life back, carving the wave. I’ve been fighting and surrendering, learning and growing, connecting in ways to feel more and more like my disability gives more than it takes — which is hard in a culture like ours, and with a plethora of innate challenges. But I feel my power evading its capture, riding it out, more and more.
I had a lot of help to get here. A lot of privilege I can’t deny. And I asked for help, and people showed up, hallelujah!
Here on Big Island, I found a part of myself that I missed so deeply. I feel closer to who I am and who I’ve always been, who I want to be and who I can be. This shift feels like a missing puzzle piece, like the fifth element plugged into the stone in the sand. It feels like coming back to life. Another level of blooming.
Going home doesn’t feel like I’ve lost, but rather like I’m just moving forward. It might a different direction than I could’ve predicted, but that’s life, right?
I’m surrendering to the flow, baby. I’m holding onto the knowing that things are gonna be better than I could possibly imagine.
Anyway, I’m not gonna say too much more here because I think I’ve said it all in the video. But I just wanted to offer this in hopes that it helps you, the reader, whoever you are, to listen and have the courage to do the thing. Unleash the part of you that, for whatever reason, you and/or some other force outside of you has kept tethered.
I wanted to offer this as a seed, a flame, a hopeful ellipses to reel in the gumption and faith needed to nurture your missing truth. And then maybe the universe will conspire with you…
Maybe you’ll find the people to support your dream. And maybe you’ll find a place and time to release it. And maybe you’ll reunite with a part of you that you were born with, and that is rightfully yours to now claim.
See you on the flip side.
Big love,
KP
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