You guys, I did it! And after a week in the hospital getting a new poop hole, I’m finally home and healing.
To say ‘it feels good to be home’ would be an understatement. I can feel myself healing here. Odd isn’t it? How hospitals have their place, no doubt, for survival and other great things, but they’re not great for sleep or a lot of the other healing we need to do. Thank god for the people who make you feel some semblance of home with their love and care amongst the sterile walls, incessant needle pokes, beeping machines and interrupted sleeps.
I have a shit bag now y’all. It’s absolutely wild, and I have a lot of processing and adapting to do, but that part is done. Now, it’s the real work…
I first have to say, I am in disbelief and deeply humbled by the people in my life. I’m so impressed with everybody else’s ability to adapt with me. My care team seems unphased by the whole thing. I suppose it was a lot harder of a routine before — more transfers, more time, more guessing, more hands-on risky care, wondering if my body would respond well…or not. Blood, sweat and tears went into the whole effort of a bowel program, for years. And now? It’s different but so much simpler.
I am a lucky gal. Shoutout to my wonderful mom, Tori, your love continues to teach me and amaze me. To my girls Mel, Micaela, Orah and Kyra — thank you for getting me through this shit;) And my whole care team, Jamie, Alex and Josie — I love you guys, I’m so impressed and grateful for you. You all exemplify collective care, courage, compassion, humility, and radical friendship. We are caring for each other the way we all deserve, it’s radical, it’s collective, it’s human, it’s ever-evolving, it’s present, it’s dynamic, and I dig it.
There’s no wrong way to have a body. - Glenn Marla
Things I’m figuring out/processing:
This is a new form of disability to own
How to be sensual/sexual in ways that feel good/right for me with an ostomy
What ostomy bags work for me? See what others are using
Finding Cute/stealthy ostomy bag covers
Odor control
When to change my bag — my body’s timing and my lifestyle
I have loud farts now! Oh man…
Things I’m leaning into/using during this process:
My sensuality for healing and tenderness — massage, body oil, perfume, light therapy, soft fabrics, delicious food and bevs
Movies that make me feel good
Movement for healing and expression
Writing for healing and expression
My community - finding other ostomy owners and quads with ostomies especially
Romancing myself - tenderness, the color red…and purple, incense, candles, a shiny lip, poetry, sexy music, fantasy — using my imagination
Ritual as a source for grounding and connection
Pleasure/Self-pleasure
Creating moment of joy and slowing down for moments of joy
Humor as medicine: everybody poops and farts are funny
My tools of adaptation - getting creative and organized to make being an ostomy owner the new normal***
Finding new routine that feels fluid, delicious and efficient
My new mantra:
I am loving every iteration of myself in this life.
Taking risks is sometimes a way to say yes to ourselves. But it involves care and calculation. As my Dad so aptly said, “life is a calculated risk.”
We can want change, ask for it, and follow through, and then it happens…and the real work comes. Change doesn’t always go the way we want it to, it’s unpredictable and tricky, but we can trust ourselves and the Universe. We can hold onto the deep trust that we can do it, and that this is all going to work out. We can ask for help. We can adapt. We are meant for this. We are so capable of thinking outside the box and creating the new normal — something better, the good stuff.
Change is hard, but, “God is Change” - Octavia Butler. So lean in and hang on, y’all. We got this.
Sending you all big love always,
KP
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