Surrender to Rest

The art of honoring your body and saying “damn the man”

Image: Kelsey in a resting yoga pose, pink leggings and a pink tank

Since acquiring a disability, I have had to surrender what my work life used to look like in order to be kind to my disabled body. Rest has become a more integral part of my life that I have to mindfully invest in, in order to get the most out of all the other stuff.

Like many of us, I grew up with the importance of being a “hard worker.” And I was. I liked that about myself. I got shit done, and I wasn’t afraid of hard work — whatever it was, and I worked fast. I enjoyed the process of challenging myself, of seeing what I was capable of, of the creativity within my work, of the satisfaction it gave others, and the sense of accomplishment from hard work. So embracing the reality of what works for my body now, has been incredibly challenging.

Like everything else in this disability life, I’ve also had to relearn what a workday looks like. What’s realistic to take on, what boundaries to set, so many things. I think many of us are going through a renaissance when it comes to how to work and how to be “productive” in new, authentic and healthy ways these days. A lot of us are healing from capitalist ideas that have destroyed our souls, our relationships, our health, and have dictated so much about how we live our lives, or don’t live our lives for ourselves. I think we’re all having to learn how to strike a balance between enjoying what we do and makin’ that money. And it all ebbs and flows with life’s shifts. The habit to work too hard especially rears its ugly head when I’m searching for the next thing.

The process of transitioning is usually uncomfortable, and it can also be really hard. We finish a project, something we’ve invested heavily into, and we can find ourselves utterly lost. Directionless. I remember talking with my buddy, Jim, about his struggle when he finished his film, Crip Camp, and then I finished my film, Move Me, and I understood completely. You dedicate your life to something and then it’s over. And then what? It’s so easy to find ourselves in scrambling mode, frantically searching for a clear direction of purpose, and working too damn hard.

Turns out the Winter of our creativity, the resting/hibernation period, is essential in order for the Spring to come.

I have resisted the Winter many times. I’ve found myself squandering and hopeless, overwhelmed and doubtful, doing too much, getting caught in the production grind, the go-go-go culture, the race to figure it out and make that money and have that “success” — whatever the fuck success means to us. Sometimes, as much as we try to slow down, the fear of ‘wtf am I doing with my life now?’ can keep us on the hamster wheel, unable to really slow down and listen.

I hit a wall a couple weeks ago, and had a realization that snapped me out of it, thankfully. I don’t even know exactly what it was, but I know it had something to do with a night of prayer and ritual and deep listening and surrender that peeled me apart to reveal this raw truth:

You can chill the fuck out. You know you’re a badass.

I was operating as if I had something to prove. I don’t know to who or what, but it was exhausting.

During a meeting with my writing/career coach, she gave me some sage advice:

Maybe slowing down would bring more abundance (of joy/money/pleasure/whatever) than rushing to do this or that.

It’s proving itself to be true, and I’m grateful. I finally found myself surrendering to rest and listening in a way I don’t think I ever have. As a result I’m feeling more like myself. Things are revealing themselves. I feel a sense of calm faith and inspired optimism. I feel like I have more clear direction and I can see the path unfolding. It doesn’t seem so arduous and muddied and insane anymore, it just feels better. It feels more respectful to myself. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I have to stop and breathe, or stop and eat, it’s a practice, but gahhhhhd I’m so much better at it already.

I’m finding that dedicating myself to this more balanced approach, feels like an honoring of my body and my truth of existence. I feel empowered by this validation of my disabled needs, and no longer exhausted or guilted by it.

Instead, things like joy, pleasure, creativity, and Spirit feel more accessible and present within my work life. I don’t feel so tied to conforming to an ideal that just doesn’t fucking work for me. I feel fortunate to be able to explore this, I know it’s not easy, and it hasn’t always been the case. Maybe we’re getting closer to a culture in which our worth is no longer dependent upon what we consume or produce. A culture centered more around care — for ourselves, each other, and this wildly beautiful planet.

Big love,

Kels💜

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Tips and tidbits: Below you will find journaling and movement suggestions , and other methods for integrating rest, honoring your body and more.

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