Making Self-Pleasure Accessible for Any BODY

I’ll Have What She’s Having

Image Description: white passion flower surrounded by green leaves.

I had my first orgasm in my bed in almost twelve years last week. 

Twelve years. 

Twelve years since I have been able to wake and jerk. 

Twelve years since I have laid down after a long day, rubbed one out and passed out. 

I finally did the work to make my pleasure more accessible, and in this way it was more than an orgasm, it was fucking revolutionary. 

Since my injury, it’s been more private and accessible for me to engage in self-pleasure while in my chair. This has just been my easiest route. But I’ve been expanding my pleasure experience in many ways lately, self-pleasure included, and it’s paying off. Directing my joy in this way is incredibly empowering. I have missed my body. I have missed this part of myself, the parts of me that unfurl with the expansion of my sensuality.

Feeling separated from something so innate to our humanity as our own pleasure and access to our bodies is absolutely WILD. It can feel like we aren’t the owners of our bodies or our lives, and I think we all experience this at one time or another, in our own ways. Whether it’s disability, grief, trauma, profound change, menopause, pregnancy, motherhood/parenthood, aging, disease…our bodies are always changing. Additionally, we are all affected, in different ways, by harmful body image narratives and oppressive systems within our culture.

The reality is that it’s all too easy to feel separated from ourselves, to be actively pushed away from our bodies by both external and internal forces. Connection to our bodies and our pleasure takes WORK. 

It takes doing the recon, asking for help, and then implementing the changes, stepping into the unknown. On the real, all of these steps leave a lot of room for awkward, challenging, scary, and downright frustrating situations. As we all know, detective work is never easy. It takes mindfulness and time. Commitment. And when it comes to the recon of our own lives, especially our intimate lives, shit gets emotional quickly. These are tender parts of ourselves, and investigation requires its own level of TLC — letting ourselves mess it up, fumble, or feel weird. Letting ourselves go at our own pace. Giving ourselves grace, taking out the judgement, and allowing lightness. Play and fun can go a long way. After all, it’s pleasure, not pressure. I often have to tell myself not to take it so seriously, it’s supposed to be fun. 

I have to literally ask my caregiver to plug in my vibrator sometimes. Or I’ve had to ask her to help me slip into lingerie before my lover comes over. It’s not easy stuff. It can be humiliating to experience our own vulnerability in this way. It’s an exposed place to be in, claiming that we need help accessing something so taboo.

Our culture doesn’t make it easy to celebrate and normalize our sexuality, so making it known to anyone is a courageous move. It is an act of self-love.

When you’re like me and you have a disability that requires quite a bit of assistance—where sometimes I have to ask a caregiver to plug in a device or set something up so it’s reachable, whatever it might be—I’m putting myself in a position to deal with unprofessional or inappropriate responses from whoever is assisting me as well. There’s a lot of room for vulnerability in this arena. Uff-da.

Let us pray that the person assisting us in these personal endeavors, doesn’t cross a line with ANY sorts of comments or questions. Cuz as Ms. Tabitha Brown would say: That ain’t yo business.

This is the truth of sexuality and disability. This is the depth of the struggle. And this is what access to sexual pleasure as disabled people can look like. It’s complicated shit. But by taking the steps to make my pleasure more accessible, it expanded my erotic world. 

What a pleasure. 

This kind of agency is so empowering. That night, after being able to reach for my vibrator, turn it on, and get myself off, I basked in the joy of it for a long time. Laying there, feeling all the things happening in my body—the heat, my heart racing, my breathing heavy, I felt a smile that wouldn’t leave my face, a smile of sheer satisfaction magnified by a new slice of independence.

Image Description: Selfie of Kelsey smiling into her camera with sunglasses on surrounded by leaves and a sunny blue sky.

This is what it can look like for any of us to take the steps to connect with our pleasure. It’s an act of self-love and self-care. It’s an act of bravery, of taking back our bodies and our human experience, and there is so much potential if we are willing to take the risks and double down for our own divine fucking existence on this planet. 

Here’s a Little Help

How I Make Self-pleasure Accessible

*I want to make this as accessible as possible! If you are facing financial hardship, there are scholarships available for 1:1 sessions and subscriptions. Email me for more information at kelsey@movemedoc.com