Inside: Tools for engaging in self-pleasure and self-care, link to new YouTube video on Masturbation, sensuality and orgasm, AND some insights and encouragement on pleasure.
The first time I had an orgasm post-injury felt like that initial plummet on a roller coaster — ‘holy shit, I’m definitely falling, and this is exhilarating but…What. The. Fuck…is Happening?’
As a quadriplegic, only 11 years in, I’m still exploring the possibilities when it comes to pleasure. It keeps unfolding. And this exploration, this acknowledgment of my sexuality, my desires, my pleasure, feels like a deeper acknowledgment of my humanness in an oftentimes harmful and dehumanizing culture.
As women, many of us aren’t even comfortable embracing self-pleasure. It’s still very much taboo. It’s expected from men, and almost paraded around, boastfully waved in our faces like, ‘Ooh look what we can do!’ It’s much less common for women to talk about it, or engage with it, or even celebrate it, as men do.
As a woman with a disability, it’s a double dose of you-don’t-deserve-this.
Our society delivers a clear narrative that people with disabilities oughta be ashamed of our bodies, as if we’re not worthy of pleasure — not pretty enough, not able enough, not “normal” enough. Our culture clearly elicits an ‘ick factor’ when it comes to sexuality and disability. It’s as if our pleasure is off-limits to us — eh-hem, the owners of sovereign bodies — because we don't fit into this cultural ideal of sexy.
As Glenn Marla so beautifully said it, “There is no wrong way to have a body.”
No matter who you are — our bodies are valid, worthy, sexy and nothing to be ashamed of. And our bodies, our pleasure, and our eroticism are all conduits to our divinity.
In fact, when I started engaging in self-pleasure again, it brought me closer to myself. It began a reawakening of my confidence, self-worth, empowerment, purpose and creativity.
Not only does masturbation help with self image, but orgasms are literally good for you. Yup, “the small death”, as the French call it, releases all sorts of happy hormones, helps with pain, sleep, stress, pelvic floor muscles, self-lubrication and more…
Disclaimer: I’m not saying to start whackin’ it everyday, that would be exhausting, on many levels. What I am saying, is that a healthy level of mindful masturbation and a routine of exploring our sensual selves and our pleasure — in many different forms — is a vital part of our overall health and well-being.
When it comes to my own pleasure, I’ve had to find accessible pathways to pleasure. New pathways. I’ve had to re-learn how to feel in this body. How to listen, as many of us do, as our bodies change. Getting to know ourselves can be an invitation to lean into that effervescent sense of wonder and curiosity we all carry within us.
It makes me think of the first time I did mushrooms as a teenager…I remember my eyes feeling bigger, like somehow I could see more. Flowers looked more miraculous than ever, I felt so enlivened by their magic. My ears felt…deeper, as if sound itself had more depth — the melodies reaching further into my body and lighting me up from the inside. My smile felt bigger, like it existed in every cell of my body. Like I existed in everything and everything existed within me.
It’s this sense of sensual and spiritual wonder that I try to connect with when approaching my sensuality and pleasure. I try to be mindful about bringing possibility, interconnectedness, and joy into my intimate experiences.
To connect with myself, I’ve had to honor how much I’ve changed. I’ve had to get to know myself again. I think this is part of maintaining any healthy relationship — not assuming that we know everything about ourselves or the other person.
A dear old friend and I have talked about how we appreciate that we don’t define the other person by who we used to be. Sure, our past is important, and our experiences absolutely shape us, but they don’t define us. This friend and I maintain our relationship and our love for each other, because we don’t assume that we know everything about each other. We respect and honor how we have changed throughout our friendship, and we inquire about each other's lives. We really try to see each other for who we are in the present and what each other’s unique life experiences are like.
The same goes for our relationship with ourselves and our pleasure — routinely checking in with ourselves and asking:
What feels good to me now? What does this body need now? What does this body have to say?
This acknowledgement means that, no matter what narratives we may be fighting against, no matter what stereotypes or stigmas are working against us, no matter what capitalist agenda or other grind might be whittling us down, no matter where we feel excluded, we have the power to sit with our bodies, in loving tenderness and say:
I see you, I love you, you matter.
In this way, engaging with our pleasure exists as an act of resistance. This acknowledgement of our pleasure becomes an acknowledgment of our humanness, for ourselves and the rest of the world.
A practice of self-pleasure acknowledges our basic human needs and our desires. It validates our uniquely beautiful physical experience and goes even further to celebrate it. To celebrate ourselves.
Compassion for myself is also a crucial element of exploration. With paralysis, and a lack of genital sensation, I’ve had to slow down and listen to my body — how do I react to this touch? Or, let’s try this kind of touch. Do I need more time? Am I stressed? Am I setting the stage for eroticism? Do I need to let go of the holy grail of the orgasm (praise Emily Nagoski for all your wisdom — read Come As You Are) and just enjoy pleasure and my body without expectations?
Sometimes you just have to take the Big O off the shelf and enjoy the process. Journey>Destination type thing.
Pleasure can be so many things. Maybe it’s something less sexual — like loving touch in other areas, or a nice hot bath, or self-massage with your favorite body oil. But that’s a whole other story — there are many important aspects of our pleasure and how we engage in pleasure in different areas of our lives. More on that later…
Building my confidence as a sexual being with a disability is an ongoing healing process, and self-love is my medicine. Self pleasure is an important part of that. It’s an exercise in appreciating my body and creating intimacy with myself. Through this process I am knowing and loving myself more. I'm boosting my confidence and comfort communicating my desires — not just because I know what those desires are, which is crucial, but also because I’m more open to finding new pathways to pleasure. I’m awakening and deepening my pleasure response. Without exploring self pleasure for myself, I don’t think I’d have the ability to open up as much with a partner either. Exploring becomes more of a safe space when I trust who I’m with AND myself.
Self-pleasure is self-care. It’s a form of acceptance, of ourselves and our bodies, as one, however they are in this moment. But even further, it’s an expression of self-love. (Thank you Sonya Renee Taylor) And this is where we tangibly make space to bring our whole selves and our unlimited potential to the table.
*shoutout to adrienne maree brown for your knowledge and wisdom, you continue to inspire me.
Ways to explore your sensual/erotic self:
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